@Barknado69

[Date]

Her: *giggles* whoops you got a hair right there

Me (nervous she’s trying to clone me): give it back

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@WilliamAder

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

@thejessbess

(interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?

@WheelTod

Virgin Airlines original advertising slogan was “We’re so sorry about that but If you give us a chance we swear it will be better next time”

@MoistPork

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

@Sarcasticsapien

I hope I die alone. I mean, you’d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.

@iwearaonesie

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

@KeetPotato

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

@MrPeeker

Brad Pitt. While you’re helping the world, please feed your wife.

@ojedge

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]