Her: *giggles* whoops you got a hair right there

Me (nervous she’s trying to clone me): give it back

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Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.


(interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?


Virgin Airlines original advertising slogan was “We’re so sorry about that but If you give us a chance we swear it will be better next time”


If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?


I hope I die alone. I mean, you’d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.


9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?


[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy


Brad Pitt. While you’re helping the world, please feed your wife.



MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]