[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
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So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
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