[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
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People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Lube but for my dry humor.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?