My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
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I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
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My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”