Wife: ok, you have free reign to decide on all household decisions today…
Me: *too shocked to move or decide anything…*
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
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Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
1) Put a saddle on it
2) Get on
3) Oh god it’s destroying the village with fire
4) WHY DIDN’T I GET A CAT INSTEAD?!
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
-Deer crossing the road
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”