[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
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Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call