Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@JessicaVarsity

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

@Bob_Janke

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

@Brianhopecomedy

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

@animaldrumss

Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed

@Darlainky

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

@gruffybeard

Her: Why’s the couch smell like pee?

[Flashback to me watching The Ring alone]

Me: *points at son* I think someone had another “accident.”

@KizerBillhelm

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

@awkwardwit

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

@MrAdamBez

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me.

She calls me her sixty second lover.

… Wait.

@mack44_d

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.