Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
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Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Her: Why’s the couch smell like pee?
[Flashback to me watching The Ring alone]
Me: *points at son* I think someone had another “accident.”
Mmmmm white people
*is too polite to say anything*
I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me.
She calls me her sixty second lover.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.