[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
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*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
My plans: 2020:
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
then why did i get this email
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore