*pretends to get electrocuted when I shake your dad’s hand for the first time*
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
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My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv
Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Me: Worry about your own face.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.