[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
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this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Raisins are grape jerky.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out