I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
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every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.