@ihateitmunky

Date

Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he’s so annoying

Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he’s a piece of shit

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@GrantTanaka

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

@PAT_E_ROCK

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

@david8hughes

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

@thepunningman

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

@BigHeb7

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

@brian_bilston

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

@audipenny

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

@TheCrumbDiary

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.