HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

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Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???


ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.


1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.


For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.


*tries for a year to brush and floss better*

*goes to dentist*

Dentist: Do you even own a toothbrush?


[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
*boss looks away*
*boss looks back*
*boss looks away again*
*boss looks back*


Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.


My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.


I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.


I hate it when I fall in love with someone, then the light turns green and they drive away