HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.


Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.


[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.


“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.


“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”


Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you


“Bro, rumor has it ur dads emo now”
“Emo? Nah yo, EMU”
“Im confused..”
*A massive bird moonwalks in w/ a #1 Dad shirt*
“Hi confused, Im Dad”