Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
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Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
5: One for each hand.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
“Bro, rumor has it ur dads emo now”
“Emo? Nah yo, EMU”
*A massive bird moonwalks in w/ a #1 Dad shirt*
“Hi confused, Im Dad”