[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
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Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.