[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
You Might Also Like
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster