[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
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Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”