@ElliotHetherton

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

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@timdonakowski

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

@recursivetaco

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

@TheHyyyype

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

@Playing_Dad

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

@underchilde

I never buy a new couch without first seeing what it looks like with five loads of laundry piled on top of it.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

@English_Channel

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

@Steven37366100

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating