@ElliotHetherton

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

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@bestvibess

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

@LindaInDisguise

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

@truegritrumble

ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

@TommyKarate

Thank you for calling. To speak with a human being, please hang up and travel back to the early 1990’s.

@Mr_Kapowski

Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it’s like putting a condom on my kid’s head.

@daemonic3

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

@Robert_Beau

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

@KimmyMonte

How to tell if your cat is a dog:
1) it barks
2) it doesn’t hate you
3) someone once said aw cute dog
4) it’s like a horse but slower

@SondraDeeMe

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

@_sunshine25_

EATS clean for a week, loses 2 pounds.
DRIVES by a donut shop, gains 5.
This is some bullshit.