Black Friday through the years:
2013: Thursday 8pm
2020: 4th of July
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
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Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Thank you for calling. To speak with a human being, please hang up and travel back to the early 1990’s.
Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it’s like putting a condom on my kid’s head.
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
How to tell if your cat is a dog:
1) it barks
2) it doesn’t hate you
3) someone once said aw cute dog
4) it’s like a horse but slower
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
EATS clean for a week, loses 2 pounds.
DRIVES by a donut shop, gains 5.
This is some bullshit.