[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
You Might Also Like
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
🤔😂😂
no one likes gloating
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?