[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
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The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.