@alexlumaga

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

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@JosesLovesYou

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

@TheAlexNevil

Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.

@lottie_fly_x

My toddler hid the tv remote before she went to bed so now I have a fun night ahead of getting drunk and watching Disney Junior

@velvettusk

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

@caseytduncan

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

@Average_Dad1

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

@bleustreak

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

@Vodkantots

My psychologist and psychiatrist don’t agree on my diagnosis so yes, I get what it’s like to have people fighting over me.