Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

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“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer


Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.


My toddler hid the tv remote before she went to bed so now I have a fun night ahead of getting drunk and watching Disney Junior


“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.


People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.


[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?


I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.


My psychologist and psychiatrist don’t agree on my diagnosis so yes, I get what it’s like to have people fighting over me.