[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
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It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”