[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
You Might Also Like
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.