DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
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[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Dietest Coke
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was