[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
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Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?