[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
You Might Also Like
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
No, he would not have.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.