excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
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Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Only Americans understand
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed