[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
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I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow