Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
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Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
You have to put a potato in the microwave to push the potato button. Other things dont turn into potatoes.
*brought to you by Bounty*
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
They put yogurt in a tube and called it Gogurt and we were all on board. But the party ended there.
Why can’t I get a tube of Mashed Gotatoes anywhere? Where’s America’s entrepreneurial spirit? I can’t be the only one thinking this.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Don’t leave the milk out overnight.