@GoodZiIIa

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

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@Angibangie

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

@Darlainky

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

@TheCatWhisprer

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

@_Justin_Stepien

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

@MikeCanRant

You have to put a potato in the microwave to push the potato button. Other things dont turn into potatoes.

*brought to you by Bounty*

@_Tempo11

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

@kennyfckndavis

They put yogurt in a tube and called it Gogurt and we were all on board. But the party ended there.

Why can’t I get a tube of Mashed Gotatoes anywhere? Where’s America’s entrepreneurial spirit? I can’t be the only one thinking this.

Very disappointed.

@KevinFarzad

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

@Just__J0

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.