[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
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You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen