ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-

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Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.


Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.


best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin


I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.


The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.


Once my son was shooting nerfguns @ the clock &when I asked why said “bc time killed the dinosaurs.” My kids are never leaving home are they


i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time


I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.