The bit in Snow White when Grumpy’s like “put her in a glass coffin so we can see her decompose”
And Doc’s like
“Man! You’re getting worse!”
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
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There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Sneaking up on me from behind while I’m doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I love that movie about BDSM where the guy is a great kisser & ties up grown men & photographs them for money
Spider-Man, I love Spider-Man
Darth Vader: Luke
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
God: you’re very small.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
Ant: can I lift a car?
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
“Oooh look! Is that a comet?”
– Well, actually the airport is real close by
“Oh ok. Good idea. I’ll call them and ask”