{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
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Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.