ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-

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The bit in Snow White when Grumpy’s like “put her in a glass coffin so we can see her decompose”
And Doc’s like
“Man! You’re getting worse!”


There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.


Sneaking up on me from behind while I’m doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife


if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.


I love that movie about BDSM where the guy is a great kisser & ties up grown men & photographs them for money

Spider-Man, I love Spider-Man


Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan



Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.


Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy


God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.


“Oooh look! Is that a comet?”

– Well, actually the airport is real close by

“Oh ok. Good idea. I’ll call them and ask”