@Home_Halfway

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

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@sbrooks13

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

@TheBoydP

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

@Shen_the_Bird

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

@bigdumbbrad

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

@TheToddWilliams

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

@KenJennings

Once my son was shooting nerfguns @ the clock &when I asked why said “bc time killed the dinosaurs.” My kids are never leaving home are they

@usagiboiz

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

@Kimpulses

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.