@david8hughes: *on deathbed* "Son u were *cough* ado-" "Dad? I was adopted?!" "A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don't know why we adopted u."

@highwaytohelv: why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

@BrucioMcCulloch: when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out "don't do any improv"

@MableGertrude: I'm not saying you're on twitter too much, but your six-year-old is running an arms trade with the Mexican drug cartel out of his tree fort.

@WilliamAder: Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I'm going to need those back.