@Sad_tree

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

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@TheBoydP

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

@i_Lean

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

@Darlainky

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

@aissalanis

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!

@jwoodham

The year is 2087. Selfies are the new currency now and that annoying girl you went to high school with is the richest person in the world.

@steeve_again

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me

@realHamOnWry

Home schooling is hard. Nine has been trying to teach me how her teacher does things all week.

@SortaBad

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

@Fred_Delicious

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*