[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
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I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.