ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

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Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting


My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.


I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.


Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*



The year is 2087. Selfies are the new currency now and that annoying girl you went to high school with is the richest person in the world.


[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me


Home schooling is hard. Nine has been trying to teach me how her teacher does things all week.


“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”


*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*