ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.


me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes


They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.


Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.


[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page


Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…


[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016


Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.


When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs


I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.