[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
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If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
OMG 🤣🤣
Every time.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!