[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
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Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
My patience has stretch marks.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.