[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
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No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.