@mrjohndarby

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

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@pnwwildflower

I don’t wish death on anyone, but I do wish malicious glitter on many.

@ajax06

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

@InternetHippo

ME (tousling his hair): You got a girlfriend?
8 YEAR-OLD: Yeah
ME (grabbing him by the collar): How. How did you do it

@Brentweets

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

@AdamBroud

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

@Manda_like_wine

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

@whatmaddness

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

@BunAndLeggings

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

@nice_mustard

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*