(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
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Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.