[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
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“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean