@Coolisiana

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

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@Parentpains

Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.

@bridger_w

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

@salmarch79

Whenever my wife forces me to write my own message on a bday card, I write it on top of her’s and copy exactly what she wrote.

@Tommytoughstuff

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

@Ludacrys414

I’d get lost less frequently if GPS would say “no, your other left.”

@UncleDuke1969

“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…

– Adam Sandler being handed a script

@lmwortho

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

@pleatedjeans

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

@InternetHippo

*phone rings*
SATAN: Hey I bought your soul on Craigslist last week?
ME: No returns
SATAN: Please. It’s making me sad