I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
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NURSE: Doctor, I’ve lost the cat’s pulse
VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”
And that’s how the fight started
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Me: Wake up son!
Son: Just 30 more minutes please
Me: I’m borrowing your phone
Son jumps of the bed: I’m awake!
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Now we know..