(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
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there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Cardio Made Easy
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.