[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
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One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.