[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
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My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.