Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.

People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

Know your customer. Think like an idiot.

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out