Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

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My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.


I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?



god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again


S is my favorite letter because it changes biscuit to biscuits.


I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single


If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.


Me: I said no cookies!
4yo: I forgot. Maybe I have amnesia!
Me: How’d you get amnesia?
4yo: I don’t remember.
Me: Well played..


This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.


PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.