[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
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“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
what kind of cook setting is this??
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send