Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
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“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
[bono dressed as magician]
“think of a song any song”
“right n- no, a U2 song”
oh ok um.. elevation?
“ok now.. check your phone”
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
Just saw a one star review for a restaurant and all it said was “never been there.” Thanks William, super helpful.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
2020 has really changed me, but not completely. For example, I haven’t showered in 3 days, but I still silently judge stinky people