@david8hughes

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

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@garrydavenport

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

@pharmasean

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

@OutNumbMother

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

@GrantTanaka

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

@KeetPotato

[bono dressed as magician]
“think of a song any song”
purple haze
“right n- no, a U2 song”
oh ok um.. elevation?
“ok now.. check your phone”

@Average_Dad1

Just saw a one star review for a restaurant and all it said was “never been there.” Thanks William, super helpful.

@Lerky

WHAT DO WE WANT?

RACE CAR NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??

NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

@TheClifBob

2020 has really changed me, but not completely. For example, I haven’t showered in 3 days, but I still silently judge stinky people