[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
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I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils