@space0tter

Date

*pulls out clipboard*
“Name?”
“Uh.. Beth.”
“Ok.. Check. Kids?”
“No”
“Check. Club Penguin username?”
“What’s that?”
*drops clipboard*

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@Randazzoj

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

@chrisrockoz

You only live once, so don’t forget to spend 15 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.

@Hammyinmiami

My husband is so not into sex, he thinks foreplay is a golf term.

@WilliamAder

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

@jessokfine

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

@notalogin

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

@iamburtjarvis

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.