Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
*pulls out clipboard*
“Ok.. Check. Kids?”
“Check. Club Penguin username?”
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You only live once, so don’t forget to spend 15 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.
My husband is so not into sex, he thinks foreplay is a golf term.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.