dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
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Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.