[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
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“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.