Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
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[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
These aliens are taking forever.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Put this video in the Louvre
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
haha same
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder