3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
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You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?