(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
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*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.