(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
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My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Who chose this font
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
My dress code is business-casualty.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.