i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
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Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
ANXIETY: u up?
ME: *unintelligible groan*
ANXIETY: remember that one girl you might have offended back in 2007?
ME: I’m up, I’m up.