@roxiqt

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

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@bonesher

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

@WheelTod

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

@cpabry

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

@JazminsThoughts

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

@mompsychologist

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

@KentWGraham

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

@Amiigat

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

@stuzario

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

@o__0Dev

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

@erinmallorylong

ANXIETY: u up?
ME: *unintelligible groan*
ANXIETY: remember that one girl you might have offended back in 2007?
ME: I’m up, I’m up.