Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
You Might Also Like
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
My what?
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.