Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
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Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???