Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
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That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.