@loneIymood

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

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@TheAndrewNadeau

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

@NickSwardson

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

@MoneypennyNaked

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

@JoshKnightComic

Girlfriend: Im not the best cook, is that cool?
Me: Yeah, I love shitty food.

@Mehrwane

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

@WetMascara

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

@NurseMurderer

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

@BoozyMusic

“Good thing I guessed that today was probably a BYOB situation.”

-me, chaperoning the kindergarten field trip

@Carbosly

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict