dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

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Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.


Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!


Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.


Girlfriend: Im not the best cook, is that cool?
Me: Yeah, I love shitty food.


Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker


Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.


I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.


“Good thing I guessed that today was probably a BYOB situation.”

-me, chaperoning the kindergarten field trip


I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict