*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
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me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
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WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?